


Freakytits VS Flanning

by Freaky_Fics



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 23:01:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7660411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freaky_Fics/pseuds/Freaky_Fics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I did a freakytits and Flanning spin off war. My two favourite ships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Freakytits VS Flanning

**Author's Note:**

> Will be adding chapters at a time. This is a parody fic.

Vera reached behind her back to re-adjust her bra strap, as she did that she felt dark eyes bore into her back. 'I don't know why you waste so much money on bras when I could happily hold up your boobs all day for you.'

She laughed and turned around to face the much taller woman. 'You're a sexual predator, Joan.'  
Joan raised an eyebrow. 'So, you don't want me to hold up your boobs all day then?'  
Vera laughed again. 'Well, i didn't say tha-'  
Joan stood up and approached Vera, her much bigger physique towering over the smaller woman. 

'No, I understand perfectly, and, just for that you can go and sharpen all 500 yellow pencils I have coming this morning. And if they're not sharp enough to poke out the eye of a small, defenseless prisoner: there will be dire repercussions on your part.’  
Vera looked down. 'Yes, Governor.'

Just then Joan heard the sound of a van pull up at the front of the house. Who could it be? Her hitman wasn't due for another 2 hours. She pulled back the curtain and saw that it was a delivery van. She walked out the front door to have a further look.

'Which one of you neanderthals parked this van this close to my property? Move it! You're obstructing my drive way.'  
A small, dark haired man appeared from behind the truck. 'So sorry, but we have to deliver the furniture, there are people moving in next door in a matter of hours.'  
Joan stared at him.  
‘I'm sorry that I'm obstructing-’  
She slowly approached him. ‘I'll be obstructing your breathing passage if you don't move that truck now!’  
The man went to justify his actions with another petty excuse.  
Joan's nostrils flared. 'Listen to me you uTTerly incompetent fool, I have a very important stationary delivery coming this morning and a very important guest, and they can't get to my house because your truck is blocking my drive.'  
Just as the man went to speak, Joan grabbed him by the throat and lifted him up against the back of the white delivery truck; his feet flailing in the air.

'Do you know who I am?!'  
The man actually had no clue who this woman was until he spotted the name badge on her uniform. 'Um..Joan...Ferguson?'  
Joan's gripped tightened. 'I am the governor!' Just then Vera came running out of the house. 'Joan, put the man down, what have I told you about strangling the neighbours?'

She loosened her grip and the skinny man fell to the floor, spluttering as he gasped for air.  
'He questioned my authority, Vera.'  
Vera ignored Joan and helped the man get up off the ground. 'Yes, but you can't strangle every person that defies you!' The man got up and opened the back doors to his van, keen to get back to work, and not daring to look the tall woman in the eyes.

‘Come on, Joan…’ Vera escorted the other woman inside before she could strangle anyone else. ‘Vera, when we go in, pour me a glass of vodka to help me destress.’  
Vera stepped inside the house. ‘You drank all that the last time you threw the neighbours cat in the bin for shitting on your flower bed.  
Joan sighed. ‘Get me the jar of pickled onions instead.’  
Vera went to the kitchen and complied with Joan’s order, then she remembered. ‘Didn’t you say it was pizza night tonight? I can order you your favourite; texas BBQ smothered in garlic and herb dip?’  
Joan took the pickled onions out of Vera’s hand. ‘I feel like budgeting, why don’t we make our own?’  
Vera smiled. ‘Yas, I’ll see what we have in the cupboards.’

Joan and Vera started rummaging through the kitchen cupboards looking desperately for pizza ingredients and toppings. ‘Well, here’s a cucumber, we could go all healthy and shit.’  
Vera slowly pulled back the wrapper on the cucumber. Joan grimaced. ‘Vera, I’d appreciate it if you pulled back the wrapper with less enthusiasm. You aren’t with that neanderthal anymore, you know.’  
She reached to the back of the cupboard and found a pack of chocolate fingers. ‘How many fingers can you take?’  
Vera turned around. ‘Well the last time we tried Joan, it was a solid 4.’  
Joan raised an eyebrow and waved the packet of chocolate fingers at Vera.  
‘...before you get diabetes…’

Suddenly Vera turned around and whipped Joan straight on the arse with a strawberry lace. Joan gasped. ‘Vera, what did we say about keeping the kink to the bedroom?’  
She ignored Joan and raised her hand as she was about to stripe her again, Joan reacted quickly and ran into the other room. ‘Vera, no!’  
Just then Vera forcefully whipped the other woman, this time hard across the back of her thighs. Ferguson screamed out and quickly turned around and took the lace out of Vera’s hand. ‘Vera, i said no!’ 

Vera looked at Joan with big wide eyes. Joan looked away then raised an eyebrow. ‘Don’t you give me that look, i'm instigating an orgasm ban because of that. How dare you whip me.’  
Vera looked down and whispered. ‘But, I thought getting whipped turned you on…’  
Joan maintained eye contact as she spoke to Vera. ‘My kink is killing stupid hitmen and making other people look incompetent for my own pleasure. I am also partial to the occasional strip tease over the CCTV, Vera.’ 

Vera grinned.  
Just then they heard a knock on the door. Joan looked at her watch, that inept postman, he always comes too early or too soon. She walked over the door and opened it quickly. ‘No cold callers, no I don't want to buy a disposable toaster, I don't give to charity and I have no plans on becoming a Jehovah's witness.’ she slammed the door shut. Just as she was walking down the hallway she heard the door again. Before she opened the door she went upstairs to take a can of deodorant and get a lighter. Vera peered at Joan from around the door frame. ‘Joan, you’re not setting the Jehovah's witnesses on fire with your DIY flamethrower again, are you?’

Joan stared at Vera briefly before opening the door. Before she could probably see who it was she sprayed the deodorant in their face and flicked the lighter. 

The man screamed. ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU FUCKING FREAK!’  
Joan took her finger off the nozzle of the deodorant and saw who the man was. ‘Ahh, I thought I recognised the screaming.’  
It was fletch. Joan stared at him with confusion. ‘Me Fletcher, why are you here? Did the health insurance not pay out enough last time I injured you? 

The Neanderthal wiped his eyes with his big paw. ‘As a matter of fact no they didn't, but just so you know, I'm your new neighbour.’  
The contours of Joan's lips changed slightly as she was about to laugh. She shook her head and looked down. ‘Sorry what?’  
Fletch laughed. ‘Yeah that's right. Me and channing, next door.’ 

She looked at him with disgust and, before she could spray her deodorant in his eyes again Vera quickly slammed the door shut. ‘What have I said about terrorising the neighbours?’  
Joan stepped away from the door. ‘Vera he's moving in next door with that homo neanderthalensis boyfriend of his.’ Vera looked away. ‘Oh damn.’  
‘Yes, so we have to hatch a plan to get rid of them, I'm not having those sexually active cavemen living just a few feet away from me!’ 

Joan walked around the parameter of the kitchen. ‘Think, think, think…’  
Vera broke the silence. ‘Do you reckon he called you a freak because he knows you like to do kinky shit in bed?’  
Joan didn't reply, she just stared back at the other woman. Vera winked. Joan raise an eyebrow. Vera started rapidly winking.  
‘Vera, why are you acting like you have a facial tic?’ 

Vera bit her lip. ‘Just trying to get you in the mood, you know?’ She winked again.  
‘The only mood you're getting me in is to have 000 on speed dial because you're actively displaying symptoms of a stroke.’  
She looked at the taller woman. ‘Well they call you a serial killer too, but I think that's because they know you have me screaming every night.’  
Joan didn’t speak.

Vera sighed. ‘Is it the winking? Because I can perfect my technique if you want?’  
Joan raised her hand to shush the other woman. ‘No, I do not wish for you to adapt your seduction techniques, I want you to help me devise a plan to get those troglodytes out of the neighbouring house. So I don't have to listen to their balls on arse slapping or for the record them beating their meat!’ 

Vera screwed up her face in disgust. ‘Ugh, that's disgusting.’  
Joan sighed. ‘Plus, I don't want them scaring my goldfish with their animalistic grunting. It's a profanity.’  
Vera raised an eyebrow. ‘Fanny, what?’  
Joan stood in front of the smaller, and clearly less intelligent Vera. ‘Pro-fan-ity.’  
Vera giggled. ‘Oh I love it when you talk dirty to me.’


End file.
